I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize