The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
