I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize