There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize