we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
