No stitches, just platelets and will power
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I have fence marks all over my body
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
