ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
