3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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