i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
