I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
