Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
