Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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