If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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