Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
