Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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