She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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