No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
