Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My cat gives me a boner
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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