I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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