i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
