We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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