oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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