There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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