I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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