I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
