So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
