I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
