if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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