At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
pop tarts are not kleenex
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
