walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
