you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
