oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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