thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He better not be in your backpack
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize