I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
