Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
