you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
