make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
