I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
