i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize