I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
