Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
do nipples grow back?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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