I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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