yo everyone went to the hospital last night
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
