I should be sponsored by Trojan
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
im holly from the hills drunk
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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