Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
