I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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