All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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