yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
this beer tastes like vomit already
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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