Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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