jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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