I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
How naked do you want me to be?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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