Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
