sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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