I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
my being single is dangerous.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
whose ass print is on the piano?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
