Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
