He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
