I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
