I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Sorry my hands just texted you
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
