hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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