Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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