its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
