Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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