I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
