hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
