How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
