I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
