I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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