She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize