Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
