Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Randomize
